Bret V Interview by WakeWookiee

Interview ?

A Month of Bret V
(Editor’s Note: This interview took place via email between Bret V and WakeWookie (Rory D). For the entire month, the interview remained under the subject line “Interview?” There’s no reason to change it now.)

Bret V: Let’s bust this interview out…

(Editor’s comment: it’s journalistic tradition for the interviewer to initiate the interview. But Bret V has never been one to obey tradition)

WakeWookiee: Let’s do it. Begin interview, starting now: So, I hear there’s a little one in the oven, a little Bret V on the way—what are you going to name him or her?

Bret V: PAT V – that way, I can keep the same name if it’s a boy or girl.

WakeWookiee: In all capital letters like that? What does it stand for? Party At Tacoma? Pee As Tea? Have you thought about naming he/she “VV”? Then he/she/it could go by “W” for short.

Bret V: PAT V stands for Put Away That Vacuum.

WW: So you’re into domestic chores, like vacuuming? Is that what you were thinking about when you stuck that TS 1260? I saw the video. It was nectar.

BV: Thank you, I was flabbergasted when I stuck that 1260 behind a Sea-Doo. Good thing my brother, Matt, took video of it on his cell phone.

WW: My favorite part in the video clip is how, right after you land, if you listen closely, you can hear your brother saying “wow, if Bret were a girl and not my brother, I’d date him. Is that gay?” Anyways, tell me a little more about that novel you’re working on.

BV: The novel is a discreet tale of my life as a Gentleman, Boater, and Scholar. And when I say Gentleman…..I use that term loosely. The book will be honest, lucrative, and aggressive.

WW: Apparently the New York Times Book Review got an advanced copy of the book. Here’s part of what they said about it:

“Along with being a first-class ladies-man and a world-renowned wakeboarder, Bret V can now add “great American novelist” to his resume. Gentleman, Boater, Scholar: The Bret V Saga is a triumphant story of how a middle-class white boy overcomes the odds and becomes a first-rate Gentleman, Boater, and Scholar—and along the way, learns a few things about the human condition. V is for Victorious.”

How detailed are you about your personal life, i.e. your liaisons with the ladies and your personal struggle with the triple dum dum, which you were the first to land? Also, what font did you use for this bad boy?

BV: The novel goes into inappropriate detail about my personal life. It also has step-by-step instruction for the triple dum-dum I landed in Alaska. The font I used for the text was ‘Cheddar Toilet’.

(Editor’s Note: The original manuscript has a 12-day gap right here. The interviewer would like to note that he was spending that time pondering that last statement.)

BV: Goll Dangit – let’s finish the interview!

WW: Will do. Next question: I unlocked your character on Shaun Murray’s Wakeboarding Unleashed, but I can’t figure out your special trick. Any help?

BV: Usually, a Gentleman never tells. But in this case, my special trick is the Stiffy to swan dive. Jump off the wake and bring the board into the stiffy position. If you throw it hard enough, the board will slice the rope in half and you can swan dive backwards out of it…

WW: Okay, I figured it out now. But then I get to the part where I’m in the underwater city playing W-A-K-E against Poseidon, the Greek god of wakesports. I hold my own with him, but then he’ll do a fashion air. When I try to do a fashion air with the Bret V character he does an Indy Glide instead. Is this a glitch?

BV: You just need to concentrate more. The game has a mental scanner and can sense the move you really want to do in the bottom of your heart.

WW: Oh okay. That’s why when I was just trying to do a nosebutter my guy kept unstrapping, swimming to the dock, and doing The Robot.

I’ve often heard your style described as “The Beatles, if the Beatles did Indy Glides instead of love songs.” Who, besides yourself and Jesus, have been the biggest influences on your style?

BV: Brent Starr, Oprah, Dave Isaacson, Prince, and the Ennen Brothers.

WW: All shredders–but I’m pretty sure that Oprah put your novel on her book club list. I see how it is: she scratches your back, you scratch hers.

Next question: What’s your fantasy contest run? Before you answer this, you should know the setting:

*This fantasy run takes place in the distant future.
*Your board has wireless internet capabilities.
*In this future, grabbing is outlawed.
*So are heelside tricks.
*The judges are Sandra Day O’Connor, Sean Kilgus, and a robot.

BV: First, I would put my hair in a pony tail and bring a judge’s gavel to impress Sandra. Second, I would throw all blind 180’s to win over Kilgus. Finally, I would do the “Robot Dance” off the double-up to score points with the Robot Judge.

WW: Stunning. On your Myspace, what’s “bass helper”?

BV: I’m also a very experienced cook specializing in Hamburger Helper.
Recently, I have been experimenting with different flavors: Bass Helper, Elk Helper, Cobra Helper, etc.

WW: That’s right, I remember seeing you as a guest on Rachel Ray, where you helped her cook Aardvark Helper. It looked delicious.

Anything else you’d like to let the world know about Bret V?

BV: Is this the last question?

WW: No. Is that what you wanted to tell the world?

BV: Well, I sell Malibu Boats for Bakes Marine Center and run the NW Wakeboard Camp with my brother, Matt.

WW: Oh come on, now you’re just making stuff up.

BV: You’re right, I really sell Kayaks and run a kneeboard camp with my grandma.

Read Other WakeWookiee Articles Here :

The Big Air Secret : The Quintuple Up

Fantasy Wakeboard League : Wake Wookiee Review

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