The Big Air Secret: The Quintuple Up

Author and Illustrations: Rory Douglas - WakeWookiee.com

Since the dawn of wakeboarding time, coaches—and by “coaches” I mean your well-meaning spotter who offers a nugget of wisdom after every fall—have maintained that the secret to big air is the mythical beast known as “the progressive edge.”  Master this, they say, and you’ll be able to do S-Bends as large as Brannan Johnson’s.  Well, guess what: the coaches are lying—the progressive edge is poppycock.    

And they’re not the only ones with pants on fire: Wakeboarding Magazine, The Wakeboard Camp, Alliance, Detention, Wakeworld.com, and any source of wakeboarding wisdom that you care to name—they’re all in on it.  It’s a conspiracy, a conspiracy to keep you from the big air you so justly deserve.

But I’m going to let you in on the secret, the secret here, a secret that has enabled wakeboarders to launch to untold heights, a secret that for decades has been guarded by the elitest of the elite in wakeboarding, by Sonja Scheffler, by Bret V, by Ryan Siebring and yes, by Chase Heavener.  It’s been guarded more closely than The Da Vinci Code; it’s been guarded more closely than The Skulls.  But I’m going to spill the kidney beans:  I’m going to let you in on the order of The Quintuple Up.

For a successful Quintuple Up, you will need:

1. A 1995 Mastercraft, any model, unweighted.
2. A CD with the hit single “She’s So High” by Tal Bachman.
3. The Wild Waves / Enchanted Village Wave Pool.
4. A buddy on shore raising the roof.
5. A 4.2 magnitude earthquake, epicenter at the Night Light Inn, Federal Way

Here’s what you’re going to do:

1. The night before, listen to “She’s So High” on repeat, until you know the words.  If you already know the words—as I assume most of you do—then listen to it until you know how to play it on the guitar.  Don’t play the guitar?  You will, son, you will.
2. In the morning, load your Master Craft at the South Wave Pool Boat Launch, directly south of the Konga River Tube Slides.
3. Position your buddy—and make sure it’s a buddy; if he’s closer than a buddy and qualifies as, say, a friend, it won’t work; if he’s not really a buddy, if you wouldn’t take his advice on what viscosity of oil to put in your Ford Ranger, then he’s a pal, and pals won’t work either.  But I digress: Position your buddy near the East Lifeguard tower.  Have said buddy commence raising the roof as soon as possible.  For maximum roof raisage, he should position his elbows as far to each side as possible.  With elbows at 90 degree angles and palms open to the sky—no fingers touching; that too will reduce your hang time—your buddy should extend his arms to the sky, as though a roof has fallen on top of him and he is raising it off of his head, so that women and small children may escape from said fallen roof.  Repeat as needed.  Make sure he uses his delts; this is what all that military press at 24 Hour Fitness is for.
4. Turn on Tal as loud as he’ll go, which is quite loud.
5. When you feel the first pulses of the earthquake, have your driver pull you directly towards the Wild Waves Wave Producing Device.  The Night Light Inn is 14.2 kilometers away from Wild Waves, which will give you about 15 seconds until the earthquake’s primary waves hit.

Confused?  Visual Learner?  Both?  Here’s a diagram of what it should look like at this point:

Legend

  = You
  = Your 1995 Mastercraft
  = Alligator (Not necessary, but wouldn’t it be pretty cool if an alligator were there?  It’d make the whole thing dangerous, exciting, wouldn’t it?  Yes, it would.)
 = Powerful sound waves from Tal Bachman’s hit single, “She’s So High.”
  = Seismic waves from 4.2 earthquake (not pictured).
 = Positive stoke energy from your buddy’s raising of the roof.
Bret V*

Got it?  Good.  Now, while the earthquake rumbles, while your buddy raises the roof, while the Wild Waves Wave Pool produces nectar waves, while Tal sings his heart out, your driver is going to drive straight.  If you’ve done everything correctly, all five waves—the aforementioned four plus your own wake—will converge, creating a quintupled wake that will send you, yes, up: The Quintuple Up.

*Note: Bret V is not in the diagram, but I felt that, as long as we were discussing legends, it would be a shame to not mention Bret V.

Problem:
I’m getting huge air off the Q-up (pronounced kwup), but I’m still not finishing the rotation on my switch toeside off-axis 720.

What your well-meaning spotter says:
You need to wait until you’re in the air until you initiate your spin.  Remember that photo my mom took of me, where the handle’s right by my hip?  Do it like that.

What we say:
If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.  Take out your fins, and try to spin the first 360 before you leave the wake.

Problem:
It burns when I pee.

What your well-meaning spotter says:
Dude, that same thing used to happen to me before I adjusted my upper body position.  Make sure to keep your chest up and facing the boat throughout your entire move, like I do.

What we say:
You should probably have a doctor check that one out.

Problem:
Everything is going according to plan, but when I hit the wake, I don’t even get off the water.  What’s happening?

What your well-meaning spotter says:
You really need to master that progressive edge.  You should be edging your hardest when you hit the wake.  Like for example, did you see that whirly I did earlier?  Good.  Wasn’t it cool?  Yeah.

What we say:
Physics.  Physics is what’s happening, and it always has been happening.  Here’s our physics lesson for the day: when two waves cross each other’s paths, a phenomenon known as interference occurs.  Interference can be either A) constructive or B) destructive.  In constructive interference, the peaks of two waves combine to form a super wave!  They’re constructive!  They get together, and they build a life, something good, they make positive things happen, they get well paying jobs and a nice house with a view and a terrier, and life is good.  As wakeboarders, we like constructive interference; deconstructive interference, however, occurs when the troughs of two—or more!—waves collide and combine to make a flat spot, or worse, a hole in the water, or, even worse, they get together and spray graffiti on things, sacrifice small animals, and, yes, sometimes even put each other down.  Are you feeling put down after you hit the wake?  If so, you’re probably hitting a spot of destructive interference.  Buck up, Buttercup, and try try again.

Problem:
I still can’t get up.

What your well-meaning spotter says:
Remember: knees bent, arms straight.  Let the boat do the work!  Let the boat do the work!  Lean back.  Yes!  Progressive edge!  Listen, you might as well not get outside the wake at all if you’re not going to use a progressive edge.  You’re building bad habits.

What we say:
Instead of “She’s So High,” By Tal Bachman, play Now That’s What I Call Music Volume 93.

Keep tuned in to www.WakeboardNorthwest.com for more from the infamous Wake Wookiee.  In the meantime, visit www.WakeWookiee.com for unique content and some great “time-killing” reading material.  The editor and staff of WakeboardNorthwest.com enjoy laughing and will not be held liable for those that are lacking in the “sense of humor department.”

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